Lorraine’s Story I Utah Family Photographer
[intro]November was National Adoption Month, and we collected stories from clients and friends who have been touched by adoption in their lives. We’d like to take some time to share their stories with our readers this month. Here’s Lorraine’s Heartbreaking. Finished before you’re ready. Broken. All feelings that have crept into our life…[/intro] You can read our full adoption profile at www.ChrisAndLorraineAdoptionBlog.blogspot.com and more about our trip down infertility lane on http://www.utahsweetsavings.com/2012/07/my-story-journey-to-motherhood-part-1/. Heartbreaking. Finished before you’re ready. Broken. All feelings that have crept into our life and been pushed back out countless times over the last 12 years as we would find out we were expecting, see that flicker of a heart beat, and then watch it go out.
The first time we lost a baby, although I was so sad, it was a pretty quick bounce back. We’d try again. And we were positive and hopeful that things would work out. For the first few years we did have success. A sweet snuggler who would grow to be a quiet, music loving, book reading, hugs that last a full minute, beautiful girl joined our family. A spunky, eager to experience every adventure, change everyone’s attitude in an instant to get them laughing, singing dancer, sweetheart came along. A make friends with everyone, take my time to stop and smell every flower, gentle, soft spoken, story-telling china doll added a new dynamic to our group.
Between each of our girls we experienced several lost babies. As each daughter was born, we were overcome with a huge relief that she was here, safe and sound, and so grateful to have her.
As the losses continued, and eventually the successes seemed to stop, the feelings of being broken, forced to be done, and ultimately heartbroken became more prevalent. I knew we were so lucky and blessed to have the three adorable daughters we had been given – along our journey we have met plenty of couples who have not been able to have any. Our hope of a large family though never seemed to waiver.
About 2 years ago we turned to looking at adoption. We knew we wanted more children and our statistics were not getting any better. Then, surprisingly we found out we were expecting again! It was a roller coaster pregnancy. At this point, my husband had gone back to school and was a first year medical student, so he was crazy busy and doing his best to take care of me and help out at home. I was super sick, which we were thrilled about, since those were the pregnancies that usually produced a healthy baby. Several times we experienced a symptom that for us had always been the confirmation of a miscarriage, but miraculously, this little guy continued to show a healthy heart beat and eventually we began feeling his movements! At 17 weeks I went in for an appointment. Once again I had a symptom that aroused concern and prompted an ultrasound. Right off we could see his profile, every perfect rib, tucked arms and even his little toes. The one thing missing was a heartbeat.
It seemed to be the final blow. I couldn’t imagine facing another pregnancy loss again. This time my husband and I were joined in heartbreak by our babies, who were now old enough to experience the loss themselves. THEY had felt their little brother move, THEY had seen his heartbeat and watched him kick on the ultrasounds, and their grief was almost as deep as mine.
I felt willing to face anything that was needed to keep our family growing, but that feeling of loss was so hard to continue through. After grieving for a few months, we felt ready again to talk about where to go from here.
For months we thought about adoption. We’d begin to feel positive about it and almost be ready to embrace it, until some moment would knock us back. I remember one night pulling out a recipe book my mother in law had made for us of all of our favorite holiday treats, with family pictures of Christmas in the background. There was my father in law holding my oldest daughter with this expression on his face that perfectly matched hers. I broke down all over again, thinking, “THIS is what I want!!!”
Slowly we faced different emotions and became aware of hangups we had about adoption that we had never before realized. Although we were anxious to keep our family growing, we took our time to work through these feelings and acknowledge them. From our early years of marriage we’ve thought adoption was something we would do someday – my husband served an LDS mission to the Philippines and we thought how great it would be to adopt a family of children from there someday and be able to share a piece of their culture with them. The difference now was that we were considering adoption for different reasons. The feeling of being “broken” was a huge one to overcome. I desperately wanted to do something to “fix” my body to make it work the way it was supposed to. I didn’t want to turn to adoption because I was forced to. And I certainly didn’t want to live feeling like I was heartbroken or gyped.
Before we had truly considered adoption, these were all feelings I just didn’t consider, but now they seemed bigger than ever. If you are considering adoption, I would highly recommend taking your time to make sure you have dealt with the emotions that come with infertility so that the adoption process can be sweet and filled with joy. Eventually we realized we were ready. Chris and I WANTED to adopt. I even found myself feeling a little anxious one month when I thought maybe I was pregnant because I had come to love the idea of adoption so much. (Although I’m sure if we ever found out we were expecting, we would be thrilled in the same second!)
My feelings towards the idea of adopting have changed in such little ways, but it all adds up to a change of heart for me. I see birth mothers in a completely different light. How selfless they are to place a baby that they love so much into a different home in hopes of giving them more than they could – knowing that they could love their baby, but knowing you can give them even more than love. One birth mother described her experience as finally realizing that she had been allowed to be part of the miracle of bringing one child to his parents arms, and was grateful for all that THEY had sacrificed (years of infertility) that had allowed her the miracle of being saved herself from a different life and getting back on track – through her son’s birth experience. Can you be any more amazing and selfless?! The details and processes we have come to learn about adoption are a small price to pay to add a miracle to our list of miracles, but there is so much help along the way. Once we decided to adopt, we were surprised to find many couples facing infertility and eager to share what they’ve learned. One blog I found that was really helpful to me in finding information was http://www.adoption.com/. You can read viewpoints about international adoption, domestic adoption, adoption through foster care, adoption from the view point of the child, of the parent and the birth parent. I also found that reading adoption stories helped me realize what emotions I needed to work through and couldn’t have come up with on my own. A great blog for that was http://www.therhouse.com/. I huge roadblock for us was finances. We are students AND have three kids already. Depending on the state you live in, you can find different groups that will base the cost of your adoption off of your income. For example, here in Nevada Catholic Charities is the most affordable option, but costs will start at $13,000. We found that most of the babies placed for adoption in our state go through their network, so it is also the fastest road to adoption. Foster care is by far the most cost effective road to take for adoption, and although there is a huge up and down roller coaster ride if you foster a child while they are going through the parental rights termination processes, many states have profiles listed for children who already have been through that process and are waiting for a family to adopt them. You can start here: http://www.adoptuskids.org/meet-the-children/search although not all children’s profiles make it to the web, so having your foster care paperwork done first is the best idea.
We have decided that while my husband is finishing up Medical school we will be adopting through LDS Family Services – which charges a $1000 application fee and covers your Home Study – which is a visit to your home ensuring that you can provide a safe environment for your child. Most of the things they are looking for in this visit are no big deal, like safety gates for the stairs, etc. You can ask your caseworker for a list of things they will be checking before they come so your visit will be a smooth one. After that you can complete your letters of recommendation, credit checks, criminal background check and create a profile for their website. Once your profile is active, birth parents can choose you and you will be charged a $3,000 – $9,000 fee upon the placement of the child in your home. This fee is based on your income and is 10% of your income, with a minimum of 3K, and maximum of 9K.
Unfortunately for us, we can’t be published on the It’s About Love website because we already have 3 children in our home. (They will help you place up to 3 children through their site.) They will still process our paperwork for us and give us the same rate, however we have to find out own placement. Once my husband has finished school and finances aren’t quite so tight, we will be moving our profile over to a different agency that will publish us – like Catholic Charities.
If you happen to know of anyone looking to place a child for adoption, please consider sharing our profile with them!!! You can see our profile at www.ChrisAndLorraineAdoptionBlog.blogspot.com. I have also written a more complete history of our trip down infertility lane while working on a blog called Utah Sweet Savings. You can read more about that here: http://www.utahsweetsavings.com/2012/07/my-story-journey-to-motherhood-part-1/
Moxie Photography, a Utah family photographer, photographs a family. In the Winter time in Utah.
