My Thoughts Some Nights

[intro]I am finally tackling the task of cleaning out my email and came across this one that I wrote to a dear friend that I love like a sister. I wont include her whole response to protect her privacy, but it was perfect and just what I needed to hear.[/intro]

I can’t sleep. I’m laying here thinking of all the things that I need to get done. Things that I should want to do. In all reality, I don’t want to do anything. I want to sleep. I want to sleep for weeks on end. Uninterrupted by the to do list that has become my life.

I’m depressed. I thought I was coming out of it a few days ago. I thought wrong. That weight on my chest… That unsettled yucky feeling… It’s still here. I can’t shake it for some reason. I hate feeling like this.

It amplifies all my shortcomings and every negative thought that I have about myself. A friend recently told me that negative thinking is a cancer that eats at you. It’s true. Once I start thinking this way it just spirals.

I wish I could sleep right now.

I think people can tell something’s wrong with me. I must be putting off bad vibes because it seems like everywhere I go people are rude or short with me. How do I make this stop?

Sorry to bug you… Just thought maybe you’d understand. Please don’t mention this to my family. I’ll be fine. It’s worse to have people checking up on me.

-Missy

She responded with an email that was full of love, understanding and her own struggles; then ended with this:

“I wish I could write you back and have a magic answer in this email. Some wise advice or counsel…but I’m pretty sure I just rambled for a million paragraphs. I wish I could come give you a HUGE hug and we could cry it out at your house.  I wish I just lived by you…that would just solve everything 🙂   All I know, is the only thing i know is it helps me to know I am not alone. And you aren’t either! I am here for you and I’m so grateful that you reached out to me.  Maybe we can help each other? Be each other’s “person.”  I love you and let me know what I can do, ok! Phone date tomorrow??”

It feels good that I know I have someone to talk to who knows what I’m going through and who loves me. What do you do when you feel like this in the middle of the night? Obviously one way I cope is to email to get stuff off my chest.