Teri’s Adoption Story I Portland Family Photographer

[intro]November was National Adoption Month, and we collected stories from clients and friends who have been touched by adoption in their lives. We’d like to take some time to share their stories with our readers this month. Here’s Teri’s: “I’ve always known I was adopted. . .[/intro]

I’ve always known I was adopted.

I was adopted into a very loving family who very much wanted children but weren’t able to have them on their own for a few years. They knew I was coming for 2 months before I was born. I also have an older brother who was adopted 13 months before me.

I have vivid memories of my asking my adoptive dad why my birth mom gave me up and him telling me that my birth mom couldn’t take care of me so she gave me to them. As a young child I remember quietly wondering why she couldn’t take care of me, but never asked more in-depth questions. I began to have thoughts that there must have been something physically wrong with me for my mother to give me away.

I carried with me a story about being adopted that was full of rejection, anxiety and fear of being abandoned again.  It colored my perspective of myself and of my whole world.  All of this without being conscious of what was going on or why I felt the way I did.  I developed misbeliefs about myself including that I had to do everything right, there must be something wrong with me and what do I do to make my family to want me.  If felt like if I didn’t do everything right I would be given away again.

Feelings that went with being adopted were being insecure, unattractive, I felt like I didn’t fit in. It was uncomfortable to be with my family at times. I felt misunderstood, embarrassed, awkward being so too tall (I’m nearly 6’ tall and the rest of my family is 5’5” or 5’6”). Feelings of melancholy and anger (which was a surprise).  I realized I was angry at my birth mom for giving me away.

I pictured myself yelling at my biological mom, “WHY???” with tears of an aching heart and a kind of homesickness.   With some counseling and time, I finally figured out that it was normal to feel angry.  Though logically I understood why, and was glad I had the family I do, being given away, had emotionally shaped my whole life.

Something that was helpful was to learn more about the attachment process. Attachment begins in utero, that all of a sudden everything that I took in through my senses about my birth mom was suddenly gone. Her voice, touch and smell, her feelings and how she “felt”. Although too young to really remember her I knew something was gone. My new home wasn’t anything I remembered.

In 2002, adoptees were given the ability to acquire a copy of their pre-adoption birth certificate from the State. I got mine. So now I had a name. I also found out that she was only 14 when she had me. I did some searching and found her and her family. She passed away about 4 months after that. I didn’t have the chance to meet or talk to her, but do keep in touch with her sister. I found out some of the medical history and things I wanted to know.

About a year ago, things really started to come to the surface regarding my birth mom and my adoption.  I had many questions about my identity including who do I look like, why am I so tall, why do I talk with my hands, why do I bite my nails, why do I love to sing and love to read. I had wondered off and on for years about some of these things, but now I really needed to know. So I contacted my birth mother’s sister and bombarded her with all kinds of questions. One of the main ones was if my birth mom was able to hold me prior to giving up for adoption. I discovered that she did hold me for a long time. I cannot even begin to imagine how hard that decision would have been on her. I am forever grateful to her for her decision.

As I worked through my adoption issues, I came know that my biological mom was being unselfish and she gave me a chance at a good life. I have the most amazing family. I was raised with 1 older brother and 6 younger brothers and sisters.  This was the large family my parents wanted. I know I was wanted and am loved by them. I am unique and have characteristics that are unique to me and characteristics from both my biological and adoptive families.

Realization came that I’m accepted and part of my adoptive family.  Several years ago my sister made the comment of, “I never think of you as adopted” while we were standing around talking. I didn’t remember until very recently that she had even said it.

This one statement was significant. This was my turning point. I am accepted.

Working through my adoption issues allowed me to make sense of and confront the related misbeliefs about myself and my negative feelings about my adoption.  The result was to finally find understanding and to be at peace with it.

Moxie Photography, a Utah family photographer, photographs a family in Portland, OR. In the Summer time in Oregon.